Ilkley Colts Shine in Win Over Pocklington

Ilkley vs Pocklington U17 Colts 22 Feb 26 – Reported by Gary Ferguson

The Winter Sun made a rare Yorkshire cameo at Stacks Field — presumably bribed with tea and biscuits — as a gallant but numerically challenged Pocklington side arrived for the sequel nobody knew they needed: 14-a-side rugby.

Numbers may have been down, but spirits were not. Ilkley, still feeling the aftershocks of last week’s epic against Keighley, welcomed back Captain Harry Schmidt and Loosehead Prop Willie “The Motivator” Simms — a man who treats opposition scrums like self-assembly furniture: aggressively and without instructions.

With 17 available, Ilkley generously agreed to play 14 a side, because this is rugby and keeping the youths occupied is a must for tired parents on a Sunday.

The royal occasion was overseen by one of Yorkshire’s senior referees Nick Leadbeater — who would later transform briefly into Henry VIII. More on that shortly.

⚡ First Half – “Snake Hips” Strikes

Ilkley wasted no time. Tommo Edwards crashed over in the corner early doors. The conversion drifted wide, possibly distracted by the sunshine. 5–0

Moments later, Logan “The Shorts” Tordoff reacted like a caffeinated meerkat to a Pocklington break, charging down a kick and flipping the momentum.

From the ensuing scrum (taken very much against the head courtesy of The Motivator doing Motivator things), quick ball found Archie “Snake Hips” Scarborough, who slithered through defenders as if auditioning for Strictly Come Dancing. Try under the posts. Jack “The Metronome” Eastell converted with his usual accountant-like precision. 12–0

Pocklington battled hard, but Simms was dismantling scrums like it was Black Friday.

Then came The Incident.

Captain Harry impolitely put in a high shot in front of the referee Leadbeater and was rewarded with seven minutes of quiet reflection. Ilkley down to 13 men.

Under pressure, Ilkley turned over ball and Snake Hips struck again under the posts. Metronome ticked. 19–0

A superhuman defensive shift by 13 new and spotless shirts forced a hospital pass from Pock’s 10. Pinky pounced like a man who’d been waiting all week for that exact pass. Under the posts. Tick. 26–0

“College Drive” then embarked on a solo mission from halfway, swatting defenders before being cruelly hauled down five metres short. The pack, affronted by this injustice, promptly stole another scrum against the head and released Taesan “The Poacher” on the wing for try number five. 31–0 at half time.

💥 Second Half – Hat Tricks & Heartbreak

Titan Hoggett opened proceedings with a rampage from his own half that required several Pock defenders and possibly a lasso to stop.

Pocklington’s defence, particularly their full back, deserves enormous credit. Try-saving tackles flew in with admirable stubbornness. The Stallion, Lighthouse Thatcher were amongst the unsung heroes of the game keeping a relentless pressure on the Pock pack.

But when Snake Hips charged down another kick and completed his hat trick under the posts, resistance began to feel… symbolic. Metronome converted. 38–0

Captain Odd Socks Schmidt then decided enough subtlety had occurred and bulldozed through the Pock wall before feeding Tommo Edwards for his second. Converted. 45–0

To their immense credit, Pocklington never stopped tackling. Their defensive effort was heroic. Unfortunately, College Drive had other ideas, powering through again and offloading for The Poachers second under the sticks.

This time Snake Hips took over kicking duties for the final act — slotting the last kick of the game.

Final Score: 52–0

This reporter would like to congratulate both teams on what proved to be an entertaining game and applaud Pocklington on their never say die attitude which will surely lead to success in the future.

🎩 Tactical Mastermindery

With regular backs coach, Dhobi Wallah/part-time philosopher McDonald absent, Frank Newberry stepped in and unleashed what can only be described as strategic genius: scoring under the posts.

The result? 6 conversions from 8 attempts.

A statistic so satisfying it should be framed.

🔥 What’s Next?

Ilkley now host league leaders Castleford RUFC — affectionately known as “Classy Cass” — in what promises to be a title-deciding blockbuster.

It’s a must-win.

The Winter Sun has been invited back.

The Motivator is already stretching.

Snake Hips is limbering ominously.

And somewhere, a referee is polishing a metaphorical crown. 👑🏉